Naruto Jeopardy!
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: A short, stupid humor fic including Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke being contestants on the game show Jeopardy! Kakashi fills in for Alex Trebek and must host the accursed excursion. Chaos ensues. Enjoy! Review, please!


Author's Note: Argh! I just couldn't think of anything for poor Gaara to discover or catch, and I also stupidly left something I need to write my Esca episodes, so I just wrote a Naruto in general fic, and pulled the idea from my Escaflowne Jeopardy! Sorry if it's not that great. I still hope it gets a few laughs. Review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Jeopardy.

Naruto Jeopardy!

As the picture came into focus and began moving in, a catchy jingling tune began playing as the camera swung in a slow arc to display a stage set before an unenthusiastically-clapping studio audience. The set of the stage was quite simple: large, bold letters spelled the name of the game (Jeopardy!) in the background, and a sizeable podium emblazoned with Jeopardy! on the front stood in the left hand corner. A few more podiums similar to the first sat on the fore ground of the right side. Lights came on over the set as the music began to die down and the camera finished its arc, screeching to a halt in front of the larger main podium.

Oddly, it was empty. It seemed that whoever was supposed to be hosting this damnable show was late, as usual. From the three others podium on the other side of the set, Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke sat waiting for the host to appear. Naruto was studiously engrossed in the art of picking his nose, while Sakura was simply being grossed out by Naruto's display of uncouthness. Sasuke was ignoring them both, having pulled out a kunai from somewhere on his person and flipping it expertly with one hand. They'd obviously been waiting for some time now.

"When is he going to get here?" Sakura asked impatiently, turning now fluttering eyes toward Sasuke, who failed to notice her existence and instead began reciting known jutsu's in his head. She stamped her foot in disappointment, then looked back at her other companion. "Naruto, do _you_ know when he's going to get here?"

"Heck, I don't know!" Naruto admitted, still working away either mining for gold or doing brain surgery. "All I know is that I was just about to eat my delicious ramen at the Ichiraku Ramen Shop, and some ANBU bastard came up and dragged me off here! Not that I mind, since you're here too, Sakura!" He grinned lovingly at her. Sakura tried not to puke.

"Sorry I'm late." Hatake Kakashi popped into view with the accompanying plume of smoke, tucking away his favorite naughty book into a back pocket and striding over to the empty podium where he surveyed the others. "I was… _busy_."

"Oh, please! You were looking at porn!" Naruto accused loudly, jabbing a finger at his Sensei. Naruto didn't like waiting, even if Sakura was standing next to him. Now if Sakura was in a revealing bikini-

"Look, the sooner we start this, the sooner it'll end," Sasuke interjected, cutting off Naruto's train of thought (thank you, Sasuke). "Let's just get this over with. What _are_ we here for?"

"Well…" Kakashi ran a hand through his silver hair, adjusting the headband that slanted across his face. "The fic author didn't really have anything better to do with her spare time, so she got bored, and here we are now. We have to play some game called Jeopardy. I'm the host, and you're the contestants. I ask you a question from a category, and you answer. Simple as that."

"Man, why the _hell_ can't the author just smoke crack in her spare time, like normal people?" Naruto complained angrily. "Or train? What the hell is wrong with her?"

"Naruto. Hush." Kakashi glared at the little orange monkey, holding up a finger to his (covered) mouth to indicate silence. "She's _watching_."

"Oh." Naruto snapped his mouth shut faster than Choji's on a potato chip. "Sorry." He wasn't an Indian – he didn't think today was a good day to die. Why, how smart of him… heh heh heh…

"Alright! Let's start already!" Sakura pressed, anxious to begin the competition and show Sasuke just how knowledgeable she was. Not that he cared.

"Fine, fine." Kakashi sighed and waved a hand at a large board between the main podium and the other three. The board was sectioned off into rows and columns, which lit up to reveal categories on the tops of each column. Kakashi began reading them out loud. "Our categories are… Ninjutsu, The Three Sennin, Uchiha Sasuke-"

"Yes!" Sakura cheered, pumping a fist in the air in triumph. If anyone knew all there was to know about Sasuke besides Sasuke himself, it was Sakura. She had this game OWNED!

"-Ninja Villages, Orochimaru, and… Ramen?" Kakashi finished in confusion.

"Boo-yah!" Naruto crowed, throwing his arms up and doing the funky chicken. "Jackpot, baby, jackpot!"

"Naruto, don't make me say it again." Kakashi warned, raising an eyebrow dangerously. Naruto gulped back his next few interjections and quieted down. Once he was sure the Konoha kid wouldn't make a ruckus, Kakashi continued. "Here's how the game works. You choose which question you want to answer on the board, I ask it, and you answer it by buzzing in with your buzzers on your podiums. Any que-"

BZZZZZZZZRRT!

Kakashi began seriously contemplating if killing Naruto was really such a bad thing after all. I mean, all the kid did was eat ramen, shout some stupid things, get beat up, and then pull off some uber-cool move to win the day. Perhaps the world _would_ be a better place if he was gone. But then again, Kakashi couldn't put aside the grudging admiration and attachment that he'd developed for the little tyke, annoying as he was. Sometimes, out on a mission with his students, he found himself wondering if this was what a father felt like, with his son, his one and only dear so-

BZZZZZZZZRRT!

Oh, hell. He could adopt.

"_Enough, Naruto_!" Kakashi's hand was a blur as he swiftly drew and hurled a kunai at the misbehaving boy, expertly severing the cord of Naruto's buzzer from the podium and quieting its incessant buzzing. Naruto stood stock-still, mouth wide open and eyes bulging in fear. The whole move had taken less than a second.

"H…H…" Naruto's mouth worked open and closed, making him look like a fish gasping for air as he desperately tried to recover from the suddenness of the attack. "How… how do I buzz in… my answers now?"

"You raise your hand," Kakashi explained softly, "QUIETLY." Naruto gulped and nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Sakura giggled and Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Now. _Begin_." Kakashi gestured toward the contestants as the crowd cheered nervously, not really sure what was going on or why they were there in the first place.

An unknown ninja in the crowd looked behind him and gasped in surprise. The elderly Third Hokage sat behind him, eagerly watching the game. "Hey! You're supposed to be dead!" He gaped in awe.

"Can it!" The old man barked gruffly. "I wanted to see this, alright? Insensitive bastard! Hmph!" He turned away in disgust.

"Oh. Sorry." The nameless ninja shrugged apologetically and spun back around. This was not his day. Not only had he angered the seemingly deceased Third Hokage, he also had… no name. He was so dead.

"Sakura, I'm giving control of the board to you." Kakashi said. "Choose a category."

"I choose Uchiha Sasuke, for 200!" Sakura wasted no time delving into her vast stores of knowledge that consisted of all things Sasuke, her main expertise.

"Alright. What is Sasuke's exact height and weight?" Kakashi asked. Sakura's buzzer was off like a gunshot.

"That's easy! His height is 153.2 cm, and his weight is 43.5 kg!"

"It is?" Sasuke murmured to himself in surprise. He had to pay more attention to himself from now on. And how the hell did Sakura know that?

"Oooh, I'm sorry. Sasuke's exact height and weight is 153.2 cm and 43._6_ kg." Kakashi corrected.

"Hah! Even _I_ knew that!" Ino jeered from the crowd, laughing loudly.

"Shut up, you fat pig!" Sakura hollered back, whipping her shoe at Ino's head. Her aim was off, however, and it instead connected with one of the large stage lights hanging above the crowd. With a loud creak, the light gave way and dropped like… well, like a fifty pound stage light and smashed onto the nameless ninja's head, killing him dead. Guess he was right. Poor guy.

Everyone stared at the dead man for a few seconds then immediately forgot about him. That's how it is for NPC's. Back to the game!

"Sasuke, you get control of the board now," Kakashi said.

"I choose the Three Sennin for 600." Sasuke randomly picked something, wanting nothing more than to kick Naruto in the crotch and just leave this stupid, pointless game.

"What is the name of the one female Sennin with enormous knockers-" Kakashi began.

"Hey! My breasts aren't _that_ big!" Tsunade stood up and interrupted, face flushed pink. She surveyed the crowd of people around her. "Alright! Whoever thinks my breasts are big, raise your hand!" Several people exchanged worried glances, but everyone in the audience timidly raised their hands. Tsunade stared at them, outrage clear on her face. She glanced at her assistant, Shizune. "What do you think, Shizune?"

"They're… uh… quite _large_, Tsunade." Shizune admitted, hugging the adorable piglet to her chest. Tsunade's mouth dropped open and she gurgled in fury.

"F-fine! See who heals you all when you're all dying!" She whirled around and stormed out in a huff, with Shizune trailing after. An awkward silence filled the room as the exit slammed shut loud enough to cause bits of plaster to rain from the ceiling as it creaked dangerously.

Naruto nervously raised his hand.

"Yes, Naruto?" Kakashi blinked, pleasantly surprised that Naruto had an answer.

"Uh… what is ramen?"

"Yes, that's corr- what? _Ramen_? We're not talking about ramen, Naruto, we're talking about the Three Sennin! -600 points!" Kakashi groaned, as he knew he shouldn't have gotten his hopes up.

"Oh. Sorry. Thought we were talking about ramen." Naruto shrugged and grinned sheepishly.

BZZZZZZZRT!

"Thank you, Sakura." Kakashi sighed in relief.

"Who is Tsunade!" Sakura answered.

"Yes! Correct! I don't know what I'd do without you!" Kakashi was close to tears. "Choose a category."

"Uh… Orochimaru, for 400."

"Alright. The bitch of Orochimaru is this Sound Ninja spy." Kakashi read.

"Who is ramen?"

"_Shut up, Naruto_!" The mysterious jonin had to restrain himself from leaping from his seat and slaying the little hellian child right then and there. "-400 points!"

"Who is Kabuto?" Sakura buzzed in.

"Correct."

"Hey!" Sasuke whispered fiercely, face dark with anger. "I thought _I_ was Orochimaru's bitch! What the hell? That Kabuto is so dead!"

"Sakura. Choose. Category. Now." Kakashi ordered.

"Uchiha Sasuke, for 100." Sakura caught his drift. The faster, the better.

"Okay, the question is- what the hell? Who wrote on the board?" Kakashi growled in surprise. Indeed, someone had written on the board with a marker, turning the 'Uchiha Sasuke' category into the 'Why Does Uchiha Sasuke Suck So Much?' category. "_Naruto_!"

"It wasn't me, I swear!" Naruto protested, attempting but failing miserably to look innocent. "It was _him_!" He pointed at a figure poking out from behind the board. A Kage Bunshin of himself peeked out and waved at the audience with a mischievous grin before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

"That still counts as you! -1000 points!"

"Hey, but that question was only worth 100 points!" Naruto pointed out.

"Well, too frickin' bad!" Kakashi crossed his arms firmly.

"Alright, that does it!" Sasuke ground out. "That's the last straw." He gestured, indicating the 'Sasuke Sucks' category. "Screw you losers, I'm going to see Orochimaru. At least he's not a blithering _idiot_."

"Do you think if I planted a bowl of ramen in my back yard, a magical ramen tree would grow?" Naruto asked dreamily, eyes wide and sparkling.

"…See my point? Later." Sasuke threw down his buzzer and leapt out the window in a flash of blue and white. No one really minded.

"I don't blame him." One audience member grumbled to another, who nodded in agreement.

"Wait! Who's going to fill in for Sasuke now?" Sakura complained, not at all pleased that her beloved had parted ways. Granted, she would have left with him if he'd asked her to, but she was on a roll and was actually winning this stupid game.

"…I suppose I will." Gaara of the Desert suddenly appeared in a whirlwind of sand behind the empty podium left by Sasuke. Naruto jumped back in fear while Sakura just shrugged. Anything to bring this to an end.

The contestants stood waiting for several moments in silence. Then they noticed why Kakashi was being so quiet – his eyes were glued to his Make-out Paradise novel and he chuckling dirtily as he read.

"Uh, Sensei? Please continue." Sakura urged, startling the host out of his stupor.

"Huh? Oh, sorry." Kakashi quickly tucked his perverted book away into his back pocket. "Um… Uchiha Sasuke, for 100 is it? Here's the question. Boxers or briefs?"

BZZZZZZRT!

"Boxers, of course!" Sakura smiled confidently. "What kind of idiot wears briefs?"

"Uh…" Naruto timidly raised his hand, blushing. "Can I go home and change?"

"No, you can't! Gaara! Pick a category!"

"…" Gaara stared blankly at the board, not sure what to choose.

"Great choice! Ninjutsu for 600!" Kakashi took charge, not having nearly enough patience left to deal with Gaara's meek silence. "Name the unique jutsu developed by the Fourth Hokage and Jiraiya of the Three Sennin, which has been passed down to _Naruto_." Here he fixed Naruto with an insinuating stare, hinting for him to answer.

"What? Do I have ramen on my face?" Naruto didn't have a clue.

"You just _learned_ that technique, Naruto!" Sakura moaned. "Just say its name!"

"Alright, alright, hold your horses!" Naruto huffed. "I think I know the name of my own justu! It's… uh… it's…" He bit his lip and began thinking furiously, trying hard to remember. "Uh… ramen?"

"Incorrect!" Kakashi snapped.

"Oh, right. Sorry. _What is_ ra-"

"_It's not freakin' ramen, Naruto_!" Kakashi exploded, slamming his hand down on his podium violently. "Enough! Let's end this! Final Jeopardy! Just write down your answer and wager for this question!" Kakashi fumbled around in one of his vest pockets before withdrawing a crumpled and beaten scrap of paper, which he read off of. "What is under Hatake Kakashi's mask? Wait, _what_? Hey, that's none of their business!"

The contestants ignored Kakashi's protests and instead began quickly jotting down their answers and wagers while the jingly tune began playing again and the camera swooped dramatically. After about thirty seconds, the cameraman was quite sick and the players were ready to reveal their answers.

"Yes! Wonderful! We're nearly done!" Kakashi stood up and strode over to the other podiums. "Naruto, answer, NOW."

Naruto made a face but complied. Predictably, it read 'I will be Hokage someday!'

"Keep dreaming, kid." Kakashi sighed. "And your wager?"

It turned out to be 'All my ramen.'

Kakashi stared calmly at Naruto, every fiber of his being wanting desperately to plunge his clenched fist into the soft and vulnerable face of the goofily grinning genin standing before him. Reminding himself that he owed the Fourth Hokage a debt of gratitude, he was able to contain himself from causing bodily harm to his friend's legacy.

"Sakura, how about you?"

Sakura quietly (and quickly, since she wanted to leave as badly as everyone else) held up her answer. It was 'Do we _really_ wanna know what's under Kakashi's mask?' ("What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Kakashi mumbled to himself) and her wager was 'Ino's a fat pig and Sasuke really loves _me'_.

"Oh, you _wish_! Your colossal _forehead_ would get in the way if he ever tried to kiss you, not like he would!" Ino challenged, shoving Choji away when he tried frantically to restrain her.

"Gaara, I don't care what your answer and wager is. Just show it so we can leave." Kakashi didn't even bother to look.

Gaara nodded in appreciation and wasted no time in showing his answer, 'My sanity', and wager 'My remaining sanity.' Sakura and Naruto began edging nervously away from the emotionally-disturbed redhead, knowing all to well what he could do to them if he wanted to.

"We're done! Thank goodness!" Kakashi withdrew his dirty book once again and turned away. He glanced back at the camera one last time, a serious and dangerous glint in his eye. "Don't you dare make me do this again, Dilly-oh. I know where you sleep at night." So saying, he disappeared in a blur, out the door to freedom.

"Wait! Who won?" Naruto asked, confused. "I didn't even get to answer any of the ramen questions! I bet I knew them all, too!"

"Don't look a gift-horse in the mouth, Naruto!" Sakura chided, grabbing Naruto by the collar and dragging him out the door, following everyone else who was eager to leave. "Let's just go before something else happens!"

Gaara stood quietly at his podium, watching everyone mill toward the exit so they could escape. He blinked several times.

"…That was fun."

The End

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Jeopardy.

Author's Note: Ge-awd! That _sucked_! Ah, well, it was better than writing nothing. I felt bad for not being able to do my Esca Episode (I'll do one soon, I swear!) so I just whipped this one up. It's one part crap two parts on-the-spot-humor. But I still hope you like it, even if I don't. Feel free to review and/or check out my other fics. Later.


End file.
